Self-Management

Bite-Sized Meanderings for your Everyday Life

There are two ways to write, the one where you just let your hands lead the story and you sort of figure out what you were writing by decoding it as you go along. Then there’s the way where you actually mean to write it. I want to write the way that I am best at it and I THINK that’s when I am writing with my mind first and not with my organizing side. Lead with the RIGHT (the spiritual, the soul, personality) Manage with the left (organizational, adult, society). Maybe I need both.

Common Thoughts

 

There is no reason to be afraid. The heart of darkness recognizes the ego. I am not afraid of death, nor tomorrow, but a mind caught up in yesterday remains my greatest fear. Lost loves. Failure. Missed opportunities. Squandered potential. That is death. The heart of darkness that turned me away from what I now view as Heaven. What do I do from here? This thinking will destroy me if I let it.

With hope and faith in the future I look out on a backyard I know well. The yard is covered with snow. The only darkness on this horizon are the trees, sticks and twigs of the yard beyond as well as those which hang to the fence like those little fish that clean Sharks, presumably in exchange for a free pass from being eaten. There are only a few years left in my twenties. They are half-way over and I have the world on my shoulders if I let it rest there. What I am learning to do instead is putting my mind’s eye onto one thing at a time – the things I can control.  What once would drive me to the brink of madness is now nothing more than the creaks and crunches of an old house – my mind – that cannot be controlled but it is always within my power to recognize as nothing more than noises.  

Rather than destroy the old house one should recognize those creaks and crunches and do what is within the realm of possibility to remedy them but more than that accept them and let it be. These chestnuts of truth drew the ire of my angry and self-righteous side so often because they shine a light on the truth, which was inconvenient but the only way through: the only way out is through. We must accept who we are and the world around us if we can ever hope to make it better. Destroying the house is impossible, only through effort can anyone find their world changed for the better.

My need right now, or to put this in a better way, my deepest desire that I believe should be worked towards is to find a job. Well, not just a job, the right job, which is a bitch. The reasons are the trouble. One part of me wants the money and respect that comes with a job.  Another side wants the activity and self-assurance that comes from a job. Still another wants to the transcendent quality of a job that stands side-by-side with my heart and dreams. All of these things may not be found in my next job – or rather – as I search for the right job I feel like I am being stretched in one too many directions when I try to account for all these impulses. My dreams and needs are two separate truths – both are relevant in the hiring process - whereas my heart and mind are what does the work and I need all ships traveling in the same direction. It’s enough to make you crazy, which I often think is the stand-by disposition of anyone who finds that they are examining themselves too much. 

How do we find the right way forward when each part of the self has it’s own way? What would Jesus do?  How did he know what he was doing was right?  Should I devote myself completely to the heart, like he did, disregarding money? But what of taking care of myself with dignity, those things are important!  Who am I if not an educated writer that does not write because it does not pay but constantly thinks about what he should be writing...these thoughts are the most unbearable of them all. The truth of passions do not fall away, which is both beautiful and tragic. 

Those videos and essays gave me a joy that no one and nothing can take away, but the shame and sorrow of the transition period has, more often than I care to think about, had its way with my heart and taken me far from truth. The question that haunts me most of all is if the reason I am not finding work is because I am not seeking the right job. “Grant me the courage to change those things that can and should be changed” with a self-righteous asterix precluding anything that sounds hard or beneath me. Everyone is built and designed to love media and content. There is nothing unique about a desire to talk about Family Guy or the application of cool new technology or a new movie and trying to find work in that area is like trying to find candy in a health store. Sure it would be great but grow up idiot and get in line for the vegetables like the rest of us! It’s so easy to put myself down yet I work very hard to solve these problems. The hardest thing is to discipline my thinking. In addition I always try to be kind to others, strangers and family alike, but it’s just never enough.  They key to happiness is to be in the moment but it is so hard the things that are just so out of my control. It is a major source of advesity that I must overcome daily. Sometimes I wonder if it is changing me in ways that are irreparable – can I ever be the happy go-lucky young man I once was? Will my idealism become buried? How can I save myself? 

Maybe I need to take a journey inner.

Writing

So in the name of writing I will write. 

Things have changed for me. Being in a supportive and peaceful environment has helped me recognize and focus on things that I needed to change, such as; drinking, negative thinking and ego shrinking.

Speaking of writing, boy do I miss being creative and having projects. School was a great gift for me because it forced me into diligence and constant production. That is my great strength and my gift…I love to talk and understand and express…it gives me a great pleasure and if I could work in this vein I know I would be very happy.

Finding a route to this end is challenging but not impossible. During the morning I often feel empty because I have no where to be…or rather, no place I have to be, and my computer feels empty. When I start writing those feelings of emptiness go away quickly. Like any truly important endeavor in life, the key for me is to gather the courage to start when it is not easy. That involves having a purpose which is my challenge when I always have a nasty voice in my head saying that my writings are a waste of time. 

But Art is not a waste of time, when it comes from love, because anything that comes from love comes from God.

So I will try harder to love what I am doing. I will try harder to love more. 

In the name of writing, I will write.

Creativity

You ever know one of those people that say that all they have ever wanted to do is write but the only thing you never hear them say is that they have been writing? 

That is a common trait that is lampooned in everything from art cinema to cartoon network and nick jr's after-school programming block. The problem is that when you build something up in your head it becomes something else and for someone who fancies themselves an artist there is nothing more terrifying than putting your artistic vision on the line by bringing it to reality. Plus, its a lot of work.

Fortunately for me, that's not the excuse that gets in my way, nor has it ever been. I was always the one who raised his hand first whenever the teacher asked for people to read their homework out loud. I thought it was something special about me. I always felt that my voice came across far more clearly in writing than otherwise. Except around family or close friends I was always editing my dialouge and my head rarely was quick enough to keep up with my mouth so I often felt embarrassed that my points came across stilted and superficial. Sound familiar? Reading the diary of an eleven year old will include a lot of the same sentiments but they tend to have a lot more going for them then adults give them credit for...literally and figuratively (not to mention spiritually!)

It was always my goal to never be one of those non-writing writers. In high school I produced a body of work that I thought could be collected into a series. The blank page was my arena and it had always been this way. First it was with drawing. From kindergarten through puberty I spent every free minute after school drawing...usually dinosaurs, ninja turtles and generally bad ass looking things from the goggles of a hyperactive child of the nineties.

There was no reason to be afraid of what I was drawing coming out wrong - I usually gave them to friends or threw them away - there was just something inside that made me love to create something new every day. Eventually, organically, I progressed to storyboards and joined the art club. My first best friend was my mentor as he had a better grasp on drawing the details. For years this was my hobby...until it wasn't. Somewhere along the way I got it in my head that my art would get me no where so I gave it up. It became just an inescapable part of my past that I remembered whenever I was doodling away in dry lectures.

This period of non-creation was one of the worst period of my life. They corresponded with leaving my hometown, some tough transitions and a lot of adolescent insecurity. During this time my only creation was the person I was pretending to be in order to fit in...but, fortunately, it didn't work out that way. What saved me? English class.

English class was the first environment that encouraged me to write by giving me assignments. The freedom I had in choosing what I wrote about - within the confides of my assignment - was the first area I had felt truly smart or capable in since moving to South Windsor. Even better, it was the first time I had really enjoyed school since moving as, developmentally, I was a little behind from the start. It's amazing how much I still miss that environment and how badly I have wanted to feel that way in a job or club since...I still am looking for it, only know I realize, that I have to create it too.

Let your passions be your escape.

The Unified Approach

So I had my interview yesterday and I think it went pretty well. The role was in digital media sales for a company that would involve a cross-country move. That's as specific as I am going to get with respect for the organization.

The interview involved a few comprehensive questions about digital media, personal questions and some sales role-play.  While I had prepared the most for the role-play I ended the interview wishing, probably not unlike many people do, that I wished I'd had planned better answers for the personal questions "tell me about yourself." Funny that should be a hard question at this point in my life.

Aside from that, every time I was asked a question by the interviewer I had an answer prepared and delivered it in a manner I am satisfied with...but on that personal, I admit, I rambled. The core answer related back to the job (I'm passionate about media) and was earnest (how that passion has developed in my life) but still caught me off-guard.

Thinking about it from the perspective of the interviewer - it's a great question. In practice for an interview, we each prepare answers that reflect the kind of candidate who employers want to hire. We try to make that the truth, or at least close to it, but that isn't what the interviewer wants to find. They want someone who genuinely is the right candidate, not a great interviewer, and they know how to sniff out the truth.

Upon reflection, I think one of the keys to getting the (right) job (for you) is to know - before you even apply - that this job is a reflection of who you are, what you want to do and (most importantly) what you are capable of being/doing in said job. So many people waste years of their life trying to be something that they just aren't and never will be, which is why so many people end up working jobs that don't make them happy but suffering through it in the name of...god only knows. Maybe if they did they could answer a simple question.

So on that note, I hope I do get this job because its congruent with my career goals, and frankly sounds like an awesome growth experience, but I doubt it will happen. Because when he asked me to close in the role-play I felt exposed, like an actor who had run out of lines. That's a lesson, though I'm not quite clear what I learned yet. So far I'm just sure that I need to spend more time doing what I love rather than just applying to jobs that relate to it. Not jobs that will just pay for a new camera or sound like the right career path.

So I'm going to try and dedicate myself to writing again because that's the one constant my life. It's my truest passion and the one thing that, aside from finding a job to take care of myself, I simply can't NOT do...and something tells me that it's going to get me where I need to go one way or another.

That plus networking, which I will have a lot more time for when I don't spend so much time applying for jobs.

Another Day Another Dollar

Another day another dollar. That's a statement usually associated with the employed but I am finding it equally applicable on the job hunt. Every day I add another dollar to my emotional bank account.

Over time, it becomes easier and easier to stop doing the things that lead to personal growth. It's nothing to be ashamed of - who has the time? When every morning for a month you've been getting up early researching companies, putting out applications, writing new cover letters and have nothing to show for it what are you supposed to think? Naturally, you think, I better increase my production and find a way to do this thing better. Sharpen the saw before using it.

In Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Successful People he tells a story that I am quite fond of about lumberjacks clearing a path in the jungle. The lumberjacks are progress-focused so they get up every day and whack away at as many trees as they can until sundown. Conversely, their manager climbs a tree to get some perspective on their project and discovers that the lumberjacks are whacking away in the wrong jungle! When he calls down to the lumberjacks to tell them, they respond: "shut up we're making progress!"

This experience must be very deflating, to the point where choosing ignorance almost seems logical for the lumberjacks. Similarly, after spending an entire month looking for jobs only to find that you have been sending resumes out with an embarrassing typo it's the worst kind of punch in the belly and you just want to pretend it's not true. But like any other challenge, those setbacks can be what teaches you a lesson or what pushes you further away from personal development. The choice should be no choice at all, yet it's amazing how often people still say "shut up" in the name of "progress."

Today I have my first big interview of 2014. Over the past few months I have been focused on getting a job with a media agency, specifically; in sales or media planning. Having a Communications degree is kind of like having a degree that relates to everything but is specific to nothing. In my experience, what makes all the difference is how clear my intentions are and how well I articulate them as they relate to the job in question.

But that's only once you have the interview - the journey to that point is what really challenges you.

Now a few years ago, in all my over-educated wisdom, I would have laughed at the thought of spending time reading self-help books while unemployed. Today's Shawn spends his time reading because it a) is enjoyable, b) challenges and informs and c) empowers all other activities. Much like having a daily workout regimen makes daily tasks easier - due to the benefits it has on your respiratory system and brain functioning - reading is a way to empower your mind for tasks where novel thinking will be helpful. Lastly, and most importantly, devoting time to activities that increase your production capability (physically and mentally) is the best way to ensure that your making the best use of your time when the job hunt makes you feel powerless.

It is also a good idea to service your spiritual side by performing activities that leave you feeling fulfilled, for example; I enjoy writing (blogs, scripts, essays) and the more I do that activity with intention the better I a) feel and b) become at doing it in areas that might lead me on the right path (cover letter). The biggest key for me is to focus on being happy with what I already have, because while the desire to have a job that fulfills you is always going to be in your heart, every day is still a gift and if you focus only on what you want for then future then happiness in the present will always be out of reach. Studies show that happy and positive people - the ones who practice mindfulness and live in the moment - are far more employable for a whole plethora of reasons. Here's some. 

So anyways, wish me luck on this interview, I hope I get it because it's a great opportunity and I have been preparing for it very hard. That said, I woke up early this morning to do my routine of reading, exercise and spiritual activity so I already feel a dollar richer today. The rest is out of my hands and can only be a good thing, whether I get the job or simply learn from the experience.

Control

There is no greater peace than letting go of the ego and its selfish desires. There are only a few years left in my twenties. They are half-way over and I have the world on my shoulders if I let it rest there. What I am learning to do instead is putting my mind’s eye onto one thing at a time – what I can control. 

My need right now, or to put this in a better way, my deepest desire that I believe should be worked towards is to find a job. The reasons are the trouble. One part of me wants the money and respect that comes with a job.  Another side wants the activity and self-assurance that comes from a job. Still another wants to the transcendent quality of a job that stands side-by-side with my heart and dreams. 

All of these things may not be found in my next job – or rather – as I search for the right job I feel like I am being stretched in one too many directions as I try to account for all these disparate and contradictory impulses. My degree and my soul are too separate truths – both are relevant in the hiring process - whereas my heart and mind are what does the work and I need all ships traveling in the same direction. 

What scares me is that my ladder is propped up against the wrong house or to no house at all. There is nothing unique about a desire to write a Family Guy script or sell the value of a unique advertising concept to a hot brand and trying to find work in that area is like trying to find candy in a health store. Sure it would be great, says society, but grow up idiot and get in line for the vegetables like the rest of us! Less you want to end up lining up outside of a doughnut shop that may or may not open for the rest of your life. Maybe once you get used to it and grow up you will become more marketable.

The question that everyone should ask themselves everyday - am I doing the things that I can't NOT do? They don't have to ask it in a double-negative format but you get my drift...if it's not important, why do it? You've got kids and need money, stick with the program. You've got money and a secure position but hate your life, time to ask questions. You're unemployed and feel like punching your mac in the face from frustration and can't stop renegotiating decision you made in the past for insights, you're better off living to be happy now.

The hardest part about being unemployed is that the thing you want to change the most in your life is completely outside of your control. Sure, you can send out resumes until your inbox is inundated with more "thank you for applying" messages than spam for a few days...but it like putting a band-aid on an open wound. Not only does it not solve the problem, but it can be disheartening when those same companies (the nice ones) come back with "sorry we went with someone else" messages until your self-esteem is little more than a memory. Not saying we don't have the choice to rise above it - hell, we have to - but sometimes the important thing about contorl is to know when to change your focus.

This week I am reading a new book every day. This is something I have tried to do for years but usually lead to me taking out far more books than I could keep up with akin to someone filling up their plate to access at an All You can Eat Buffet. The thing is, in a day, it is completely possible to read a book. Heck, college kids do it every year around exam time. Some do it all semester long and - I tell you this - its very unlikely they are ever unemployed for long.

So in close, always remember that you have control over your time. Time is money, but more importantly, time is your life.