There is no reason to be afraid. The heart of darkness recognizes the ego. I am not afraid of death, nor
tomorrow, but a mind caught up in yesterday remains my greatest fear. Lost loves. Failure. Missed opportunities. Squandered potential. That is death. The heart of darkness that turned me away from what I
now view as Heaven. What do I do from here? This thinking will destroy me if I let it.
With hope and faith in the future I look out on a backyard I
know well. The yard is covered with snow. The only darkness on this horizon are
the trees, sticks and twigs of the yard beyond as well as those which hang to
the fence like those little fish that clean Sharks, presumably in exchange for
a free pass from being eaten. There are only a few years left in my twenties.
They are half-way over and I have the world on my shoulders if I let it rest
there. What I am learning to do instead is putting my mind’s eye onto one thing
at a time – the things I can control. What once would drive me to the brink
of madness is now nothing more than the creaks and crunches of an old house –
my mind – that cannot be controlled but it is always within my power to
recognize as nothing more than noises.
Rather than destroy the old house one should recognize those
creaks and crunches and do what is within the realm of possibility to remedy
them but more than that accept them and let it be. These chestnuts of truth
drew the ire of my angry and self-righteous side so often because they shine a
light on the truth, which was inconvenient but the only way through: the only
way out is through. We must accept who we are and the world around us if we can
ever hope to make it better. Destroying the house is impossible, only through
effort can anyone find their world changed for the better.
My need right now, or to put this in a better way, my
deepest desire that I believe should be worked towards is to find a job. Well, not just a job, the right job, which is a bitch. The
reasons are the trouble. One part of me wants the money and respect that comes
with a job. Another side wants the
activity and self-assurance that comes from a job. Still another wants to the
transcendent quality of a job that stands side-by-side with my heart and
dreams. All of these things may not be found in my next job – or rather – as I
search for the right job I feel like I am being stretched in one too many
directions when I try to account for all these impulses. My dreams and needs
are two separate truths – both are relevant in the hiring process - whereas my
heart and mind are what does the work and I need all ships traveling in the
same direction. It’s enough to make you crazy, which I often think is the stand-by disposition of anyone who finds that they are examining themselves too much.
How do we find the right way forward when each part of the self has it’s own
way? What would Jesus do? How did he know what he was doing was right? Should I devote myself completely to
the heart, like he did, disregarding money? But what of taking care of myself
with dignity, those things are important!
Who am I if not an educated writer that does not write because
it does not pay but constantly thinks about what he should be writing...these thoughts are the most unbearable of them all. The truth of passions do not fall away, which is both beautiful and tragic.
Those videos and essays gave me a
joy that no one and nothing can take away, but the shame and sorrow of the transition period has, more often than I care to think about, had its way with my heart and taken me far from truth. The question
that haunts me most of all is if the reason I am not finding work is because I
am not seeking the right job. “Grant me the courage
to change those things that can and should be changed” with a self-righteous
asterix precluding anything that sounds hard or beneath me. Everyone is built and designed to love media and content. There is
nothing unique about a desire to talk about Family Guy or the application of cool new technology or a new movie and trying to find work
in that area is like trying to find candy in a health store. Sure it would be
great but grow up idiot and get in line for the vegetables like the rest of us!
It’s so easy to put myself down yet I work very hard to solve these problems. The hardest thing is to discipline my thinking.
In addition I always try to be kind to others, strangers and family alike, but
it’s just never enough. They key
to happiness is to be in the moment but it is so hard the things that are just so out of my control. It is a major source of advesity that I must overcome daily. Sometimes I wonder if it is changing me in ways that are
irreparable – can I ever be the happy go-lucky young man I once was? Will my
idealism become buried? How can I save myself?
Maybe I need to take a journey inner.
